damn it

damn the things i do. why do i have to mess things up so easily. why do i run back to this stuff i know i don't need. thought i was past a lot of this stuff just wish i knew what to do with my life and my marriage. don't think that is going to last much longer any how with how I've been acting around here try my best for a lil bit then back to stupid shit that i do to make things harder. wonder why Im so insecure and why do i always end up back here in this predicament high watching porn pissing my wife off? i need to learn how to do things different in my life here and grow up some and deal with life on life's terms. who do i think i am that i am so special that the world revolves around me and only my needs are supposed to be met? why cant i make other people happy like i want to be? hope my life turns around pretty soon because im getting too old for this shit here my body cant stand what i put it through either. thought thing were getting better then I have to mess things up with my dumb assness i wonder if i am scared of losing my wife to her getting better herself because then she will really see what i am a scared lil boy that never grew up right and is severely damaged goods.i hope we can grow together but she is leaving me behind way behind now . she is getting her education she is starting to do her counseling again and i don't know what else she is planning on doing but she can do it if its building her credit or whatever so that she can get a house some day soon . i wish i didn't fuck up my life the way i do i don't even know why i do these things .i think its just because that's what im used to.getting high and fucking off my life and responsibilities . i wish there was a pill i could take to make me grow up and be a man not some selfish person that i am and have been for so long . i do try my best for my kids but there is so much more than them to life if i really want to provide for them to the best of my ability i need to stand up and do more things for my marriage not just me and them . i have a beautiful wife that tries her best for me and has been through some shit because of me also i sure hope there are brighter days ahead because it sure seems gloomy right now where is the rainbow in the sky to remind me of promises made? i think i promised a better life than what we grew up with and i am not doing that right now . i had alcoholic parents that did there share of drugs too and i cant seem to break that part of the cycle here i do my best to keep the arguing out of there lives but that don't work either really . i cant make other people not fight in front of them, i can just try and work through the problems i make for us. i sure hope i can get in school and get a job in this next year or at least figure out what i am going to do with my life whatever it is i do need a new game plan here this doesn't seem to be working out all that well for me or my family. i need a solid game plan here. i hope we can get past whtever we are going through together and end up still with each other on the other side of this ruff patch that we are going through i would like to see her become what she wants to and hope she can see me make something of myself too. maybe we can and all of the kids can be happy and we can both make each other happyy too i want her to feel appreciated and wanted and sexy and needed and cared for and to feal like she is here for a reason that benefits both of us and our kids .

guess im a dummy

guess just cuz im insecure that makes me a dummy like i cant see what goes on in front of me... its always paranoia or something dumb thats in my head and not based in reality...i dont see the smiles or hear the laughter caused by other men im not ignored for this either .. maybe my phone should get a couple of friends too maybe i should have some one to chat with and be merry with it not being "work " related guess ill try this later some time soon my very own online journal for everyone to read.